The Seinfeld Rules of Sand Volleyball

It's been the summer of sand volleyball and I've thoroughly enjoyed it. The evening weather's been beautiful, the sand soft, *most* games are friendly and competitive. However, VB definitely contains the good, bad, and ugly, and it's far time someone stood up to all the schmucks out there who are unawares of their faux pas. While on a plane to Houston, I began by listing my personal pet peeves that arise during a typical sand volleyball game. I realized the list of things that bother me got pretty long. I then went to an anger management session to relieve some stress. Now I've trimmed the list and ready to teach the world what not to do when playing VB with your fellow peers--or at least not when playing with me. Considering a few of us have been discussing Seinfeld daily while playing recently, it became the outlet of my complaints (pardon the long post). All I ask is that you look in a mirror and if you realize you fall under one of these personas, knock it off. Let us meet the cast...

Jerry: this is that player that seems completely indifferent when the ball happens to pass by his or her way. Maybe they make a feeble attempt to bump a ball that is just out of reach, maybe they don't. I've always wanted to drag my foot through the sand and divide the court into as many segments as there are players and give ownership to each and every player to protect their rectangular section. The Jerry in the group will stand there stationary as the ball catches his corner, watching the player next to him desperately try to save a point while faceplanting into the sand directly at his feet and he'll simply look down at you and say, "That's a shame." Why lift a finger to help out his team when he knows in the end he'll be Even Steven? Jerry has never been one to actually care about anything, so why would volleyball be any different? After the score starts stacking against you and you begin preaching to your team that some points will come if only teamwork can pull off a bump, set, and spike in succession, he'll back away, wave his hands, and wish you "good luck with aaallll that..."

George: he was the most successful when he did the opposite of his instincts, but that only lasted a couple of episodes. George was always giving advice, but it was never anything he himself would be willing to do. This player is usually giving orders but succumbing to hypocrisy by not taking his own advice. He'll be the one yelling at you if you hit it over without utilizing all three shots, yet his first chance at the net he's trying to kill anything that comes close. He often gets annoyed when teammates make unforced errors via mis-hits, but it's ok when his serve return is a bump that struck his upper arm and bounced perpendicular out of bounds and over the fence. George is also a rather angry individual, never successfully hiding his rage. ("George is gettin' upset!") This player is typically bad for team chemistry, using petty comments or body language to let his teammate know he isn't pleased with their recent play. Don't let George "into the bloodstream" and "infect your staff" or he will suck the fun out of playing a friendly game and cause discontent among others. Besides, who wants to play with a "pear-shaped" loser?

Elaine: we all know how she dances, and that in no way translates into volleyball. Listen and listen closely: DO NOT KICK THE BALL. You know who you are out there, but you persist anyways. I have no bigger pet peeve out in the sand box than if Elaine and her "little kicks" show up. Pick up the damn ball and toss it to the next server. Not only does kicking the ball spray sand into the face of the person in front of you but it rarely goes where intended--a kicked ball more often than not ends up as wasted time while someone has to chase and corral what someone thought would be a more efficient way to transport the ball from the ground to the server. If you want to use your feet go join the US World Cup team--they could use the help.

Kramer: Michael Richards has made a living off physical comedy, using his body to generate memorable laughs. Hey, Mr. Purposefully-Throw-Yourself-Into-The-Sand-And-Roll-Around-Or-Fall-Into-The-Net-Guy, you aren't Michael Richards. You may lack coordination. You may lack speed. You may lack simple volleyball skills. However, acting the buffoon doesn't impress. Although the real Kramer's exaggerated behavior onscreen is hilarious, out in the sand a tough, well-fought point won will bring more smiles than an overdramatic point lost. More than once this summer a lengthy, exciting volley developed with people making incredible shots to keep it alive, going back and forth, the intensity growing as everyone wonders who will falter first, only to have it end by some moron (far too juiced from the excited cheering from the masses) run screaming at the ball and hammering it directly into the net or over the fence. The best is when he follows it up with a primitive yell, breaks into a laugh, and then realizes noone is laughing with him. And why is he usually on my team? Now, don't get me wrong, I love a good effort, and laying out into the sand is often necessary and complimented. The second type of Kramer is the one who makes a spectacular dig and manages to save the point, yet he remains laying in the sand until the appropriate props are given. As of late, I've almost began physically picking people up off the sand when this happens. Kudos to a great hit but keep playing, dammit. It's all in vain if the other team hits it right back to the spot where we have a man down (this is especially vital when playing 3-on-3 or 4-on-4). Yes, we saw it, you don't need to overdramatize it for "effect." The funny thing about the Kramer is that he shows up more often when the "femininas" are around. If you care more about generating a cheap laugh from the opposite sex than a friendly competitive, fundamental game get out. I'm sure any Latvian Orthodox Father would agree with me in that you don't have the Kavorka, but rather are a run-of-the-mill Hipster Doofus.

Kenny Bania: whether it be about Ovaltine or the shopping cart with one bad wheel, Bania is always a sure miss--much like the volleyball serve of a few hacks I know. Under normal VB point rules a failed serve eliminates any possibility to earn points, but under rally rules (which is how we play in sand) a failed serve gives the opponent a free point. I understand noone is flawless and bad serves do happen, but if you consistently cannot put the ball into play do something about it. I know a girl who serves it long 75% of the time; one time I decided to count and on her sixth rotation to the serve spot she finally managed to keep one in bounds. Amazing. (People still repeat the rhyme from a couple summers ago, "when in doubt, Stu's are out.") Personally, I think if you are even hitting one out of three out of play that is not effective. Too many Bania's try to put power behind the ball or crazy spin on the ball, but the reality is that aces only happen (rarely) by a lack of communication by the other team. And there is nothing worse than a serve into the net because at least sometimes serves that will most likely go out of bounds are still kept in play by the returning side. I can only imagine the response of a dude who insists on slapping it ineffectively overhand actually listening to my advice of giving underhand a chance, and upon discovering it is easier to complete serves turns to me, wide-eyed and excited, "that's gold, Kelly. Gold!" It's ok to try and improve your serve gradually, but begin with a style that provides consistent results. Every time someone rotates into the back-right corner and my expectations of a shitty serve are answered, it makes me want to puke. "Puke, that's a funny word. Mind if I use that?"

Tim Watley: have you ever noticed some guys are just all over the place? The Watley of the group starts the point as the server, then he's middle-left backrow, then he's at the net. "I think he converted to front row purely for the spikes." Read the Jerry description above and you'll know how I feel about every player having their own area of which they are responsible. Frankly, he just wants in on the action regardless of position much like Tim Watley wants "joke immunity." All too often the Watley will be out of position and the vacancy gets exposed. Amid points I often give friendly reminders to get back to his spot, but when he doesn't I usually have to cover his ass; there is nothing worse than when it ends with the opponent cleverly tapping it to my unoccupied spot and suddenly I'm the anti-dentite bastard. I realize most don't enjoy playing backrow and the net gets more action and setting and spiking can be fun, but that's why we rotate, jackass. And you ask if this offends me as a spiker? No, it offends me as a volleyball player.

Mickey: I'm not picking on little people, but I'm afraid to say some people just aren't built for spiking. I'm tall, but I also jump like a white guy, so I focus on placement and out-of-position defense and "hitting it where they ain't." If you are vertically challenged or lack power, just play it safe. I don't come across a Mickey very often, but when I see a short guy (or often, gal) continue driving it into the net with big swings I can't help but roll my eyes.

Man-Hands: sure the references are getting a bit obscure, but this character exists nonetheless. Do you know anyone who seems to punch the ball rather than bump with their forearms? How about one who uses hard swats with their palm to get the ball into the air rather than setting the ball with two hands gracefully with precision? This is Man-Hands. I'll bet if Jerry's "lobster-claw ripping date" was up for a game of volleyball, she'd also have a tough time keeping it in the yard. These players simply have no touch. I especially enjoy the breed that clamps their hands together to form one mighty fist of fury, pumping it outwards from their body directly into the ball. Now I'm no physicist, but I don't believe making contact with the ball with a row of knuckles at a 45 degree angle is the best approach with the goal of placing the ball anywhere with any sort of accuracy. Come on, Man-Hands, it's a women's sport to begin with--slap on some moisturizer and soften that form. "Would you rather her have no hands?" "Would she have hooks?" "Do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?" "They'd be kind of cool lookin'..."

Maura: this is not in reference to those players you just can't get rid of (although I've known one or two in my day), but instead are those imbeciles that refuse to let points die. Even though the serve was short or the other team hit it four times Maura continues to hit it back over the net. This isn't like a submarine where everyone has to turn their keys for the point to be over. The only things this person accomplishes is wasting a bit of time and often leading to confusion as to whose turn it is to serve. The only explanations for this behavior are: 1) she honestly didn't realize they hit it four (or more) times because it was a cluster of people, 2) she wasn't paying any attention, 3) she doesn't know the most fundamental rule of volleyball, 4) she was just dicking around. All I ask is that when the ball is dead, simply catch it and toss to the next server. (And God help you if you kick it...) The worst situation is when two Maura's happen to meet across from each other at the net and we wait patiently while they play meaningless one-on-one for a few strokes before play may resume. Much like George did, I think I have an airtight case to end this relationship.

David Puddy: "nice work. High five! " Greasemonkey mannerisms are definitely allowed in the sporting world and volleyball is no exception. I enjoy a good compliment, high five, or heterosexual pat on the rear, but celebration is best served in moderate doses. Puddy drove others crazy with his face painting, obnoxious cheering, and incessant high fives. Volleyball is a game that is very back and forth, so keep the in-your-face celebration to a minimum. Remember, for every hard spike there is some one one the receiving end and letting out loud "woo!"'s or "yeah, baby!"'s can really piss people off. Next time maybe they'll aim right for that overconfident mouth of yours. I've seen friendly games go sour and this is often the cause; avoid excessive commentary and keep it modest. But I know, I know, you "gotta support the team." Try doing it with fundamentally sound play.


All in all, the keys to good volleyball are knowing how to handle yourself, being prepared by staying on your toes, and knowing your limits. I'm no pro by any means, but I've played enough to know some of the things you should avoid. Stay away from the above characters and you'll do great.